Sadness

Wow. I knew it's be a little hard leaving the office today, but I never suspected I'd this sad about it. As I packed up the last box of stuff from my desk and hauled it out to the car I was really glad all the others had gone home already. I don't think I could have handled seeing anyone I knew at the moment.

In hindsight, I suppose I should have expected it. After all, I've spent exactly a third of my life putting my heart and soul into the job. I suspect I've spent more cumulative time in that one room at that desk than any other single place in my life. Twelve years in one job, ten of which were at the same desk, nine of which were with the same five co-workers. With my departure and another's premature retirement at the end of June, only two will be left. It was a great team. I am profoundly sad that the team is no more.

All the systems I ran were ones I built and shepherded from their very beginnings. I'm proud of what I built and proud of the services I've provided to the taxpayers of Oregon. I'm bitterly angry at the political hacks in Salem who have completely destroyed the team and the organization that enabled me to produce those systems. I wrote up a huge blog post ranting and venting about it, but I don't think I'll post it. Dwelling on and sharing my anger won't do anyone any good. It certainly won't do the co-workers I leave behind any good. I sincerely hope the mess gets straightened out. I hope that saner heads will prevail so that they can salvage whatever talent is left in the organization and get back to their duty of providing quality information technology services to the taxpayers of Oregon. Both for the sake of my friends who stayed behind to stick it out, and the people of the state as a whole.

So I find myself on the threshold of a new stage in my life. An unusual experience. I've really only quit three jobs in my life, and one of them was the McDonald's hell job in high school. The only real career-type job I ever quit was the one I left to come to work for ED-NET back in 1994. I hadn't realized how complacent and acclimated I'd become in my safe little pigeonhole. Suddenly I find myself taking a leap, sacrificing all that seniority and comfort, and trusting someone who I haven't always had the best relationship with, and a funding source that isn't assured beyond the biennium. It's scary not to be in control. I'd forgotten what it's like not being the big kid on the block who's been there the longest. At the same time, I think it's a good thing. I've gotten lazy and complacent over the past few years. The uncertainty will keep me on my toes and thinking - hopefully juicing up that creativity that has been becoming more elusive.

Well, then. No looking back. Forward ho!